My Year in Review 2023 — Little tired, little wiser
Hey folks, it’s been a while. I hope you have an amazing year in front of you.
I think, for myself more than anyone, I’d like to reflect on how the past year had been for me, its impact on me, how it shaped the way I think and view things. Hopefully, from that I can conclude with some valuable lessons and next steps for my goals moving into 2024.
Every end of the year, I’d like to do a “Year in Review” exercise where I list up:
- My 3 biggest successes (to celebrate them)
- My 3 most beautiful moments (to be grateful for them)
- My 3 biggest lessons (to learn from them)
Perhaps I will share more about this exercise in an upcoming post, but I find this is one of the best ways to reflect on the past year.
So for the past 6 years (starting with the review of 2018) I have ensembled a nice collection of all the greatest successes, best moments and biggest lessons of the past to look back on. It’s like a time machine. And I have to admit, it’s always been amazing to look back because I just see how far I’ve come. I developed this solid image in my head that I’d even share with others in suitable situations, that my life had always been in an upwards trajectory every year since my low point in 6th grade.
Which is why I feel this year is such a weird — I wouldn’t say turning point, but — period in my life. It’s kind of a mixed bag filled with mixed feelings. At times, I feel like I am carrying an emotional baggage while forcing myself to smile, to be optimistic.
I mean, looking at my year objectively from the outside, I think it was a solid year with a lot of new experiences and growth. I mean I went through a 3-month full-time program to learn how to be a product manager while meeting many amazing people, I went on my first ever long (bit more than a month) trip with my childhood friend discovering new places in South Europe. I got to make my parents proud by being the first university graduate in my family. I started my first ever full-time and (sorta) longer-term job in another country and region that speaks a predominantly different language, has very different vibes and where I didn’t know anyone!
The Roller Coaster
What it comes down to I believe is the fact that I experienced an emotional roller coaster with the highest highs and the lowest lows that I was not ready for and one that launched me into a state of melancholy for a long while. You see, starting off with the year, the relationship I had was going swell, the few times we could meet ended up being some of the most beautiful moments where it just seemed like everything was perfect and it could only get better. Between the many long deep messages, phone calls and shared songs, you were in a state of euphoria. Except for the few times it was interrupted with doubts or fear but were then resolved pretty quickly. You know the saying of “loving someone so much it hurts”? I felt that (even when there was nothing wrong, it’s just the immensity of it all). A few weeks later I noticed that the cycle of euphoria and unease repeated a bit faster.
Eventually, the roller coaster came to a break, and tears flowed from my eyes. Because I just knew, “this is about to end, isn’t it?” And my mind was breaking because I also had a ton of other stuff going on besides all this emotional investment. Not only was I in the role of a product manager demanding me to be clear-headed and being on top of everything, but I was also writing a Bachelor thesis with deadline fast approaching, and doing a non-profit student consultancy project as a team manager. It felt like my mind didn’t have enough space to process everything anymore. On the day I received a certain voice message, all the emotions culminated in a sprint meeting with my team where when it was my turn to address the feedback I received, tears dropped onto the table without me wanting so, shattering my usually calm demeanor into a vulnerable state. (Later that day my kind team and I went on a nice lunch together, and during the evening in a work session my student consultancy teammates and I shared some fun laughs together. It warmed my heart, I’m so grateful.)
I wiped my tears, stood up, and got off the roller coaster, it was officially over. I am not sure if this makes it worse, but our ending was actually very mature, there was no drama or some unforgivable things committed. We just set an end to it all because of irreconcilable differences. Perhaps the biggest takeaway of the relationship is that, no matter how perfect a relationship or that person seems to be, there are some things or values you cannot sacrifice. And when these important preconditions are not fulfilled, you’ll suffer. I sometimes looked back and thought, maybe it could have worked. If only I tried making it work and not kind of just interpret and turn the doubt in that last voice message into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet, when I think about it, “whatever happens, happens”. All the emotions I was carrying weren’t lying, and natural responses are usually not wrong, are they?
Time heals all wounds, they say. I gotta admit, it’s quite true. Sure, it took me many months of listening on repeat to the same sad or bittersweet songs — and one she added to the playlist ten days later — I sent to her as a farewell, but oh well. And yes, you think back from time to time, maybe you get sentimental, especially in gloomy times. But all in all, you eventually view it as a true chapter of the past. And the past is one thing you cannot rewind.
“It was fun while it lasted.”
(You can listen to the songs here if you want btw, just prepare to cry if you listen from beginning to end ;’))
Man, it is a bit embarrassing to write about this. Then again, who is reading this anyway, right? Right? Honestly, this whole thing about writing a newsletter or uploading YouTube videos and then expecting to somehow gain traction is depressing. It can feel like screaming into the void sometimes. But hey, you are reading this! Thank you! I appreciate you so much, seriously.
A Transitional Period
Let’s get back on track, this is supposed to be a year in review. And what I wrote about is important for context. Remember how I stated in the beginning that before I always had this strictly positive trajectory of my life in mind? I think this incident kinda threw me upside down. I mean from the outside I looked like I was only moving forward, but emotionally, from the inside, I was conflicted. For the first time in 10 years I feel like I cannot say that this year was a purely upwards movement. Although, ironically, perhaps going through sadness, suffering or inner conflict IS contributing to an upwards trajectory because it helps one grow.
2023 felt like a big transitional period. It began with a stressful, intense, emotional bang. Then I was suddenly left with…nothing. Free from all responsibility. I wasn’t a product manager for digitalizing the Bavarian government anymore. I wasn’t a consultant for a Berlin startup anymore. Heck, I wasn’t even a student anymore, which I had been for the past 3.5 years.
What lied ahead of me was a big Interrail trip to South Europe with my childhood friend. Just the distraction I needed, huh? It worked for the most part. After this enriching experience I was once again left to my own devices. While trying to find a job, in this seemingly empty period where like in a vacuum or void “nothing” happened, I actually got to spend way more time with my family, and especially my dad. It was nice, really. Also hung out with old and new friends alike, both in my hometown and in Munich. It’s funny how in these moments where you feel like you don’t have it all together, you truly appreciate just how beautiful it is to have such friends. If any of you is reading this, thanks for being there.
In the middle of this pit stop that helped mend my soul, I was in Berlin with my family, and I got a call. It was the confirmation that they wanted to hire me. I got the job. And with that, the confirmation that I will have a new home in Barcelona, Spain.
So that is probably one of the biggest changes in my life yet. Moving to a completely new surrounding where I don’t know anyone and am not completely fluent in the native language(s) of the place (yet). I should mention that during all this job search, even back during the Interrail trip, I had regular meetings with a mentor of mine I got to know through the 2hearts mentorship program who is an insanely accomplished guy with a ton of experience. So he helped me focus and align my goals and career perspectives.
My moving abroad was close to not happening. It’s kind of funny how the relationship I had was almost like something out of a dream, like it didn’t even happen. No one in my circle knows her personally, so it feels like no one can vouch for her existence. I’m just hallucinating, speaking with a girl from another universe. After all, my plan in life hasn’t changed at all. My original plan was to move abroad after the Bachelor’s, preferably somewhere that is far from home or Munich. When I met her, the next destination changed to Zurich, which would be rather close to home. But before I finished graduating, we parted ways, so back to the original plan it was. It’s like I could have had just a very long fever dream, and then woke up. It would all still make sense.
A New Beginning
Moving to Barcelona felt like a fresh restart, almost like an escape. No one knows me here, I can start over. It actually started off quite nicely. The first ever event I went to in Barcelona was by circles.house, truly a special community. Everyone there is so nice and you quickly connect. Some of them became friends and you hang out with them. It says something when every time I went there for an event I always met interesting people. So that is probably one of the circles (no pun intended lol) I built during my time in Barcelona. It’s noteworthy that Circles is a co-living and co-working space for entrepreneurs where most of the friends there live together, meaning they are really more like a family. However grateful I am for them including me a couple times for hangouts, one cannot shake the feeling of still being an “outsider”, because technically I am. (Still love you guys though.) There are of course other people you meet at events as well. Just that it really depends on your luck who you meet. Some are cool, some you become friends with, others not so much.
There certainly was a time where it felt like I didn’t really have anyone to just talk to or hang with, and it did feel a little lonely. I mean you know some people, but you also don’t. You know what I mean? It’s weird because I am not a super-extrovert who needs to go out all the time, I could stay inside for a long time. But I think it’s more about the feeling that you HAVE people who you can hang out with casually. Because truth is, as I later realized, adult life is…busy. It’s not easy making time to hang out with people. People may not be available. As a student I never thought that it could be so exhausting coming off work during the week that you really only have the weekend to make big plans. During my studies at university I could schedule my work and leisure time however I wanted. Study a few hours and have a break before you continue again? Sure! Oh, let’s hang out for today and study later? Easy! Not that university plus part-time job was easy, but it did feel less draining to have some flexibility instead of working 9 to 6 with possible overtime five days a week.
So how’s the job, Patrick? Well, I gotta be honest, I didn’t exactly choose an easy one, it can be a real tough challenge. In short, I’m trying to pull in opportunities for the company where the expected deal size/contract value in our team is $250K+/year. I’m literally working to sell the biggest, most complex, broad and expensive type of software there is to sell (ERP software). But hey, that also means if I can sell this, I can sell anything. And that may be the point. I’m learning a ton. How to speak with people from sizable companies in specific industries who you don’t know and who may not wanna talk to you, from operational people to executives. How to analyze businesses for challenges and opportunities in digital transformation, i.e. business intelligence. How to be disciplined, time-efficient, a clear communicator and resilient in trying times. It also helps to have a strong team from whom you can learn a lot. So all in all, I’m quite content. While I still have a long way to go, I can’t wait to see myself grow to the next level.
Taking Back Control
I think it’s fair to say that my job took a lot of energy from me, especially in the beginning when I still had to get used to it. As a consequence, my productive habits kind of went sideways. I lost my morning or night routines where I usually had time for myself, i.e. reading, journaling, planning next tasks and so on. I was tumbling between late bed times and short morning periods before work. I told myself to get up really early so that I have more time in the morning, but it’s easier said than done when you don’t want to miss out on events and other fun activities. (In terms of working out I do think I got stronger this year though, so that’s cool.)
Besides the routines, I felt that it was challenging for me to keep the promise to myself that I would film, edit and publish videos regularly in addition to my existing responsibilities. Perhaps one could describe it as a tug of war between “I have enough things to take care of, let me chillax” and “There is more that I need to do and put out, something I can call my own”. So I guess in that department it was kind of a mixed outcome. For 2023 I put out only three videos, none of which did nearly as well as the previous two years. I’m still proud of how they turned out though. For my photography account on Instagram I actually did relatively well, putting out 20 posts starting from the Interrail trip. An ad experiment from last week also helped me gain a respectable amount of new followers. (Here’s a recap of my photography.)
Needless to say, I also added an entirely new medium this year, this Substack newsletter. I thought I could bridge the low video production capacity with a more regular creative output that serves not only as entertainment and added value for subscribers but also as a sort of momentum driver and reflective accountability component for me personally. It can be cathartic to let out your thoughts and put them to paper. This is certainly something I’ll keep doing in the new year.
What else will I do in the new year? Focus on myself. Work on improving myself. You see, the last few months there were days where I had become glued to the screen, swiping, thinking I might find the one. But reality is, the game is rigged, designed to have you spend time and money in exchange for hope. Sure, it is very possible I might find someone there, but the few leads I had this time just weren’t the right fit it turned out, no hard feelings. So instead of looking outward too much, I’ll look inward, improving my stats, leveling up and keeping my heart open (as a certain person once told me). (Also, I hope that if someone is actually interested in me, they will tell me or hint more explicitly, because I realize I have been rather bad at reading signals in non-explicit settings, my bad.) By focusing on myself, all else will follow naturally. That is the bet I’m making.
In short, here’s what I’ll do in the new year:
- Build (back) my healthy habits. Slow and steady.
- Build a community (stay tuned ;))
One of the big conclusions I draw from 2023 is that I need to put in place systems that force myself to automatically follow through on the habits or activities and goals I want to accomplish. Technically I already learned about this concept like 6 years ago in high school when I read Atomic Habits, but I have to reassess and apply this more aggressively. More on that in upcoming posts.
2023 has been the first year in a decade where it feels like I didn’t only have ups but also a lot of downs that weighed on me. But despite all this, I feel like I am at peace now. The emotional baggage I’ve been carrying had become lighter and lighter, with each little moment of happiness, until it was fully lifted from my shoulders at the end of the year.
When I was doing the 3x3 exercise I recommended in the beginning, I noticed that for the “beautiful moments” section, I recall many seemingly small but personally impactful moments with friends and family. It can be as mundane as just grabbing lunch/dinner together, sharing laughs during a work session, chatting and finding out we all share the same struggles, or smiling for a group photo.
Next to beautiful moments to remember I can be proud of myself for the victories I earned. I pushed through one of the emotionally hardest periods of my life, and still succeeded in my responsibilities as a product manager, consulting team manager and first graduate of the family. I made the daring move to relocate my life in an environment that will help me grow personally and professionally in this critical period of my early life. I put in the effort to meet new people in a completely foreign environment and found interesting, creative and kind friends.
I noticed how in the last weeks of the year, I felt much more fulfilled. My work at the company improves, the conditions for the new year are looking bright. I have friends who I can trust and with whom I can just hang out spontaneously. I’m going to move to a place where I can improve my Spanish. What’s not to like?
The secret is to focus on yourself, to be grateful for what you have and not dwell on what you don’t have. Life is good.
With that said, let’s all celebrate our successes, learn from the lessons we received and cherish the beautiful moments we collected! Let’s build up and keep the momentum. We will absolutely rock the new year!
Cheers,
Patrick
“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”
- Bruce Lee
Originally published at https://itspatrickchoi.substack.com.
